Yom Kippur - Viddui

We will shortly be saying the viddui or confession. We will beat our hearts with our right fists while we confess to our many sins together. Together, we will confess our sins from the general like wickedness and arrogance to more specific sins, like robbery, slander and contempt for teachers and parents. With each beat and confession, we will communally take that awareness of our errors to heart. We will be confessing our character flaws and our less than perfect behaviours, together.

As a child, I would consider whether or not I had done those sins or not. Extortion- not me, rude to parents- oh yes me. As an adult, I would like to think I’m wiser now. I know that it’s not about me and my sins, it’s about us and our sins. And together, we certainly cover off all of these sins as a group effort. But I still struggle with the list of sins with deep feelings of shame. I can think less of myself as I read the list. I often think less of myself anyway. And I know that’s not useful either.

So how do we let the Viddui liturgy help us? If Viddui or confession is the first chapter in process of Teshuva, how do I start this essential task? How do I get to end up serving God out of love rather than fear?

Here’s a possible clue. Before we say the Viddui prayers, we say something striking. It is from Deuteronomy 30 and it says ‘and God will circumcise your heart and the heart of all your descendants to love the Lord your God with all your heart’ וּמָ֨ל יְהֹוָ֧ה אֱלֹהֶ֛יךָ אֶת־לְבָבְךָ מוּל means to circumcise. Like a Brit Milah where a baby’s foreskin is cut way. It’s also in Deuteronomy 10 where it says מַלְתֶּ֕ם אֵ֖ת עׇרְלַ֣ת לְבַבְכֶ֑ם ‘You shall circumcise the foreskin of your heart’

What does it mean to cut away the bits of your heart? What are the superfluous bits? What is the process by which the heart becomes free of its tattered bits of extra skin? What is the unprotected pure heart underneath the heart’s foreskin?

I think the metaphor is pointing to something about the process of becoming our best selves. It’s not about more. It’s about less. It’s not about more effort and more resolutions to do better. It’s not about more covering up the fact that we are all cracked. It’s about less thinking about those personal stories that haunt us. It’s about letting go of our need to tell the same old story about ourselves over and over again and less desire to meet impossible standards. It’s about stripping back and returning to factory settings. By circumcising our hearts, we might see what we are part of, by default. The Ein Sof that includes us and is bigger and wiser than any of us, if we are down on our knees to see it.

Rav Kook describes repentance as returning to one’s true self. He believes the basic nature of each individual is good. For Rav Cook, when we sin, we are walking away from our better nature. By turning away from the wrong behaviours, we disown them and return to our self - the kinder and better nature that is truly us.

Perhaps. I prefer this framing from a friend of mine who is an artist. Avigail says: Teshuva is like peeling back the dirty masking tape on a painting to reveal the bright white paper underneath.

Unlike Rav kook who believes we peel away the sins and reveal the better state underneath, she says we get to a blank slate underneath. Because that is where the work happens in an endless process of self-re-creation. Beneath our vision of ourselves that we paint one way or another, good or bad, is a place perpetual opportunity. Un-encrusted by habits of thought, we are free to choose better again and again.

Viddui is a means to an end, and that end is to let the communal confessions of our sins circumcise our hearts.

Viddui strips us down to glimpse at the blank paper underneath.

It is the process by which we have to forget our perfect offering, and see our fault lines where the light can get in. We are cracked here and here and here, but at any moment, we can create a better picture.

Let’s get to work.